This week, were taking the time to recognize a truly betchy gal, Susan. This betch basically invented betchiness. Susans a hero amongst betches, running the office with her betchy attitude and even betchier style. Everyone is jealous of Suze, but she cant help it if shes popular. Heres why:
She Sees Trends Coming From a Mile Away
Mom jeans? Betch you guessed it. Susans been rocking high-waisted Levis since the 80s and it’s about time her genius finally caught on with the masses. Kylizzles trying to act like she started this shit but we all know Susan is the Mom Jean OG and has been stuntin in those babies before the littlest Kardashian was even born.
Oh, and also, news fucking flash Urban Outfitters/Miley Cyrus: Susan started the ironic cat sweatshirt trend too, so you can just go fuck yourselves. You can try to steal her swag but no ones style is as purrrrfect as Susans. Thanks for the #Sweatergasms, Suze. Youre so haute.
Shes Giving Everyone Bag Envy
Basic bitches rock Louis Vuitton. Susans more original than that. She rolls up to work every day carrying her Shania Twain 1997 Tour commemorative tote bag. She never leaves the house without her entire collection of Mary Kay beauty products, Lean Cuisine, emergency tupperwareor as she calls it, “tuppaware”and mini 2 lb weights for her daily power walk during lunch hour. Speaking of bags, she keeps two of them in the mini fridge under her desk. Bags of wine, that is, which she slaps every Fri-yay after she meets her weekly sales goals.
Shes About That Life
Susan kills the 9-5 game. Shes always on time, and is employee of the month every month. Her cubicle decorating skills are #goals. Shes got a bobblehead for every US state shes visited AND some seriously mint condish rare beanie babies that she could sell for like, a million dollars on eBay, but doesnt because money cant buy that kind of happiness. Susans all bidness first and party second, just like her hairstyle. She only has to flat-iron the front part, so she spends less time getting ready in the morning and more time being a fucking boss.
But, let me tell you, when Susan brings the party, she brings the motherfucking party. In the form of Pinot Noir and a Downton Abbey DVD boxed set. Yas queen.
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