Avoid common festive disasters with our crisis management tip sheet: stock up on cream and ice, get a decent stick blender and plenty of booze

Its true what they say, Christmas dinner is nothing but a big Sunday roast. What we so-called experts dont add, however lest you all decide to bin the turkey and go to the pub instead is that its a Sunday roast where everyone is either half-cut or high on sugar, various relatives arent on speaking terms and its well-nigh impossible to get a takeaway delivered if it all goes wrong.

Not only that, but its happening on a day on which any inadvertent break with tradition, however minor, will pass into family lore, to be retold ad infinitum until everyone involved is long dead. In short, although I dont want to stress you out, this is one meal it pays to approach with almost military precision and a watertight contingency plan should things start to unravel quicker than the plot of the compulsory Christmas Bond outing.

Consider this article that contingency plan. Rip it out and stash it in the kitchen with the emergency sherry, just in case a kind of lucky charm, and my Christmas gift to you.

Help! The turkey wont fit in the oven

More common than you might think these are big birds. But its easy to solve without resulting to chainsawing the bird in half on the lawn. Instead, whip off the legs by using a sharp knife to cut through the skin at the point where they meet the body so you can see the joint, then pull the leg away from the body until it pops out of the socket. Cut between the joint to finish the job. The legs can be cooked in a separate roasting tin; put them in about half an hour before the bird itself, and youll end up with juicy breasts and perfect legs and who wouldnt want that for Christmas?

Seriously, the fridge wont close

Trust me, however hard you slam the door, its not going to make any difference. Fortunately at this time of year you can get away with storing stuff in the garage, porch, conservatory, shed or even the car. As long as its somewhere dry and fox-proof, cheese, salad and veg, cooked meats, cream and other dairy will be perfectly fine outside for a few days. Once you get the turkey out on Christmas morning (allow at least two hours for it to come to room temperature before cooking), you can stock the fridge with wine, beer and soft drinks. And if theres still no room, the quickest way to chill drinks is to stick them in a bucket with equal volumes of ice and water and a good handful of salt.

Bloody cousin Sam has just announced hes vegetarian

Special diets are easy to cater for with enough notice, but a last-minute announcement can throw even the best plans into disarray. Hopefully youll have olive oil on hand to roast a few goose-fat-free spuds for the wretched boy, but if you dont happen to have any pastry in the freezer to knock up a freeform cheese tart then keep things simple with a chargrilled wedge of cauliflower, broccoli or cabbage, depending on what you have to hand. Cut through it vertically to give chunky cross-sections or wedges, then brush with oil and season with salt and pepper. Heat a griddle pan to very high, then chargrill on each side until they beginning to blacken and soften. Turn the heat down and cook until tender (about 10 more minutes), then squeeze a little lemon juice over and serve with the usual festive accompaniments, and a fixed smile.

I swear I only had one drink, and now the turkeys overdone

If, even after a decent rest (leave an hour for the juices to be reabsorbed into the meat), the breast is still as dry as dust, then check the legs; as they cook more slowly, they might well be perfect. If so, remove the meat from them and arrange temptingly on a platter to encourage people to take that instead. Carve the breast into thick slices in the kitchen, away from prying eyes, then dip each in warm chicken stock for a couple of seconds before transferring it to a serving dish. Drizzle a ladleful of hot gravy artfully across the top and it will look like you always intended to serve the turkey this way.

How can the turkey still be raw? Its been in for hours

Weve all done it: proudly cut into a magnificently bronzed bird at the festive table only to recoil in horror at the lurid pinkness within. This shouldnt be a problem if youve been sensible enough to invest in a meat thermometer, and not taken the turkey out of the oven until the thickest part of the thigh reaches 65C, but sadly, such hindsight is unlikely to butter any parsnips. Joint the bird, spread the pieces out on a baking tray and roast at 200C, checking their internal temperature every 15 minutes (but no more often, to avoid bringing the oven temperature down). Keep pouring those drinks in the meantime.

The sprouts are mushy and Im losing the will to live

Just as sprouts were finally shaking off their sulphurous reputation, youve taken your eye off the ball and now the whole house smells like 1955. At this point, remember the cooks mantra: cream makes everything better. Drain the sprouts very well then, if you were planning to saut them with bacon, fry that on its own, and toss the sprouts in the pan to coat with the juices at the end. Bring some double cream (about 150ml for every 500g of veg) to a simmer in a small pan along with a crushed clove of garlic and a good grating of nutmeg. Stir in the sprouts, season and tip into an ovenproof dish and top with a handful of breadcrumbs and grated parmesan, if you have some handy. Grill for about five minutes until golden and bubbling, then serve up with some pomp and ceremony as sprout gratin.

I cant bear it, the roasties are still pastier than a goth in February

As long as they are already cooked through, this one is easy to fix. While someone else is carving the turkey, melt a little more of whatever fat you cooked them in (if its not already liquid) and brush this over the top of the pallid potatoes. Toast them under the grill until they achieve your desired shade, then turn them over and repeat the process for golden perfection.

Oh my God! Are those lumps in the gravy?

Dont panic: gravy can sense fear. Instead, calmly take a whisk to the roasting tin or pan and set about breaking down as many large lumps of undissolved flour as you can spot. Pass the gravy through a sieve into a jug and then reheat or, if it still doesnt seem thick enough, whisk a couple of spoonfuls of warm gravy into a tablespoon of corn or plain flour until you have a loose paste, then very gradually whisk this back into the pan on the hob. Heat, stirring, until the gravy thickens to your desired consistency.

I tried to make custard but ended up with scrambled eggs

Take a few deep breaths. This happens when custard overheats, and is surprisingly simple to sort if you happen to have a stick blender to hand. Pour the custard out into a heatproof bowl as soon as you notice lumps forming, and then whizz it until smooth. Strain it back into the pan through a sieve and continue stirring until thickened. If you dont happen to have such an implement, plunge the pan into a sink of iced water as soon as you spot the first lump, and whisk vigorously, channelling all your rage into your wrist. Remember to strain it before serving if theres not enough to go round, simply pad it out with more cream and call it crme anglaise.

The damn Christmas pudding wont light

Although it goes without saying that your pudding ought to be hot, its also helpful to warm your booze of choice slightly, too, though obviously not enough to burn off the precious alcohol. You can do this by holding a metal spoon full of it above a candle (which gives you the advantage of being able to tilt the spoon into the flame to catch light as you pour it over the pudding) or alternatively by heating it in a small pan on the hob and using a match or lighter instead. Whichever way you go for, always start by ensuring the lights are off around the table and people are primed and ready to coo appreciatively over your achievement before the damn thing goes out. Happy Christmas, one and all!

Read more: www.theguardian.com