I try to find alternative curses. Sausage bacon egg and chips is actually endearing

When my son was born, I drew a line in the sand. No more swearing for me, I declared. This boy shall not be tainted by my foul language. Then I went outside, pointed at a loud aeroplane flying overhead and involuntarily said the word fucking.

Hes nearly two now, and picking up new words at a staggering rate. He said hippo for the first time yesterday, just because someone said it within earshot of him once. And I swear far more than I say the word hippo. Either I stop now, or I face being judged in Tesco because the kid in my trolley keeps calling the Kelloggs cockerel a wanker.

I latch on to two mentor figures. Kristen Janschewitz is an associate professor of psychology at Marist College, New York, and the co-author of a report entitled The Science Of Swearing. She tells me that changing a habit this ingrained is tough, but not impossible. If you want to create new associations, change as many things as you can about your context, she says. Patterns of behaviour and cognition are prompted without your awareness, by cues from your body and your external environment.

Thankfully, I am about to change my external environment completely. Im busy decorating a house we are about to move into; the perfect place to break my habit. However, one of my decorating jobs involves stripping and sanding a bannister that has a lead basecoat. Whole days pass where swearwords account for 90% of my vocal output. At one point, and I realise this sounds like a lie, a builder working downstairs cranes his head into the hallway and shouts, Stuart, youve stopped swearing. Are you dead?

Fortunately, I have other options. Janschewitz puts me on to Richard Stephens, senior lecturer in psychology at Keele and author of Black Sheep: The Hidden Benefits Of Being Bad. Even though his book goes to great lengths to talk up the benefits of swearing he claims it aids social cohesion, helps people cope with pain and demonstrates higher linguistic fluency Stephens admits that it probably isnt great to expose young ears to the mature and often sexual connotations contained within bad language.

He suggests two approaches. The first is to be present enough to catch myself swearing and steer the outburst into a less offensive word, the classic shit-to-sugar approach. Ive been attempting this for weeks now, and my correction has always come a millisecond too late. By the time Ive altered the outburst, its already out there in the wild and Im playing catch-up. I have started to mutter fuckingflipping a lot.

Stephens second suggestion is to find alternative swearwords. Sausage bacon egg and chips a substitute hes heard one person use during his studies is actually endearing. Again, I try this to mixed success: my choices of blooming and crikey make me feel a little too self-consciously like a cartoon chimney sweep. Im at the stage where I get hugely judgmental of other people swearing, so I suppose thats a start. I just wish it was flipping easier.

Start here

Make a physical change to match your behavioural one: take a different route to work. It will remind you of your resolution

Be mindful try to notice what youre doing before you do it

Moderate your behaviour with lesser examples; if youre giving up swearing, the word crap will be your new hero

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