At least the animal guest star was pleased to be there even Scarlett Johansson as Ivanka couldnt lift a set of sketches heavy on forced Christmas cheer
A special Christmas message from the White House: Alec Baldwin as Trump announces that the war on Christmas is over, “because it will soon be replaced by the war with North Korea.”
Cecily Strong stands by his side as sad Melania. “Soon, white Santa will be coming from house to house,” Trump says, “taking presents from Muslims and illegals and giving them to real American children.” He’s decorating his tree with ornaments decorated with “losers”, brought in by a parade of his assistants: Kellyanne Conway (Kate McKinnon), Sarah Huckabee Sanders (Aidy Bryant) and Mike Pence (Beck Bennett).
“Are you here to deck the halls, Mike?” Trump says.
“Oh,” says Pence, “I don’t like that song, because it has the words ‘gay apparel’.”
Leslie Jones as Omarosa pounds on the window and then Scarlett Johannson arrives, as Ivanka.
“Where’s Jared?” says Trump.
“He’s packing a go bag before the FBI arrives,”she says.
Outside, Omarosa plays the theme song to the Apprentice through a boombox. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.
Kevin Hart is the host! He’s recently had his third baby. It’s not easy. “I wasn’t excited about having a baby in the beginning … don’t judge me …I didn’t want to deal with that two-year-old age again … All you do is repeat yourself all day.”
Fathering is stressful, he explains. Moms aren’t fun. Dads have to be. “All of the fun responsibility falls on the shoulder of the father,” he says, “the fun becomes the hardest job is because the kid does not know how to turn the fun off.”
A little Christmas advertisement for “the gift every woman desires: a beautiful charm from Pandora.” From a Starbucks coffee cup to a dress to a dog, “We take one little fact about your wife, and turn it into jewelry. And now it’s a charm.” Truly the meaning of Christmas.
In Hart’s first sketch he’s in a meeting and, well, he really needs to go to the bathroom. But instead of just excusing himself, he pretends he’s being called away by a family emergency. “It always sounds like a family emergency, but then you’re always back in like, eight minutes,” McKinnon says.
My husband wanders into the room and glances at the screen. “He’s gotta poop?”
“Yes,” I say.
Next, Hart is Captain Shadow and the Cardinal, his sidekick, is played by Chris Redd. They get pulled over by a cop and the results are, predictably, bad for the Captain. As a critique of police treatment of black men, it doesn’t hit hard enough.
Inside the NBA: Hart is a completely addled Shaquille O’Neal while Kenan Thompson is a very cutting Charles Barkley: “Shaq, you gotta get it together man …” he says, “I think you’re the only basketball player whose brain has aged like a football player.”
Shaquille replies with a jumbled monologue that concludes: “Cats come out at night. Freaks come out at night. Shaq a freak.” It’s a bit mean until Hart comes out from behind the anchor desk and reveals that he’s standing on enormous stilts.
Foo Fighters are the musical guest. Dave Grohl wears a classic red and black checked flannel shirt. The band plays a song that sounds like many other Foo Fighters songs.
Weekend Update! “Black people aren’t really Democrats, we just vote for the guy who looks less likely to put us on a boat,” Michael Che says, recapping the Alabama Senate election. He moves on.
“I actually think President Trump should at least consider resigning. You’ve made your point dude … the political system is broken … If this was a Christmas movie, this would be the point where you winked at the camera and disappeared and we realized you lived inside of us this whole time.”
Jones swings by again as Omarosa, and then Alex Moffat returns as The Guy Who Just Bought A Boat. “It’s beginning to look a lot like Sexmas,” he sings. “Let’s talk gifts of gold and frankincense that will have her coming back for myrrh.” He struggles to read his sex puns off the teleprompter.
Bryant introduces a church nativity play. “The role of the wise man’s camel will be played by a llama with a bean bag hump,” she says. Then Heidi Gardner comes out as the llama handler, explaining that it’s llama mating season.
The curtains open. It really is a llama! I’m impressed. Day, Bennett and Hart are the wise men, and they’re very afraid of the llama, who actually seems pretty chill. But then it gets an erection.
“Lo,” says Hart, “a manger … I’m sorry everybody, but the llama mad horny right now.”
Jones gives the llama’s penis a standing ovation.
At a Christmas party, Jones is Hart’s overbearing wife. “She just knows what’s better for me,” Hart says. “Kiss that teddy bear like you mean it,” she says, “show them what I have to deal with every night.” The encounter with the bear escalates and the onlookers at the party seem to feel the same way as me: confused, maybe a little uncomfortable.
A PBS pledge drive! Retro. Hart plays Active Jack Taylor, a 70s children’s TV host in a stylish maroon jumpsuit with a manic demeanor. After 40 years, Strong explains, the original cast is back to perform the theme song. Active Jack is now played by Kenan Thompson in a white wig, while McKinnon is an ancient jump roper who says “my doctor says if I exercise my hip will shatter like a wine glass”.
Baldwin introduces the Foo Fighters for their second song. I hope Kevin Hart is OK. Dave Grohl is wearing a nice Christmas sweater. The band plays the beginning of Everlong and then moves into Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) and then finishes with the Peanuts theme song. Very seasonal.
And then the cast says goodbye from the Rockefeller Center ice rink! Kevin is fine, he was just putting his skates on. I watch the credits for longer than usual, to try to figure out who the best skater is. I think it’s Kate McKinnon.
Read more: www.theguardian.com
