Messages sent by Emily Drouet, 18, show she blamed herself for boyfriends abuse in the weeks before her death
Text messages sent by a university student who killed herself following an abusive relationship will be shared on campuses across Scotland as part of a campaign to raise awareness of domestic violence among young people.
Emily Drouet, 18, then studying law at Aberdeen University, texted friends in the weeks before her death in March 2016. She described her emotionally and physically violent relationship with fellow student Angus Milligan, insisting “It’s my fault”, “I made him so angry” and “I deserve it”.
This litany of self-recrimination is being publicised with the permission of Emily’s mother, Fiona, who is spearheading a poster campaign to alert young women to the insidious nature of domestic violence, and calling for university staff to be trained to recognise signs of abuse.
The texts make for distressing reading.
In one exchange, Emily’s friend told her: “Sweetie please you don’t deserve…” “I do,” replied Emily. “No you don’t,” insisted the friend, “you don’t deserve to [be] hit or strangled report him to the police Emily I am serious.” Emily replied: “I deserve it.”
In another exchange, the student described being choked by her boyfriend, saying: “It scared me so much. I just can’t bear it. I know I should [do something].”
“Don’t be alone please,” begged another friend.
Fiona Drouet said sharing her daughter’s messages had been painful: “It was really sad for us to read through the texts on her phone after we lost her, but it’s important to show that this is all part of the manipulation that happens. Emily was a strong young woman, and yet she was made to feel this way.”
The text messages were in stark contrast to her abiding memories of her daughter. “The best word for Emily was bubbly. She bounced into rooms always smiling,” she said.
For Drouet, the challenge is clear: “How do we get young women to understand that this can happen to them and that help is available? Young women don’t imagine themselves as being victims of domestic violence. It’s that word ‘domestic’ – they imagine it has to happen in a family home, or in a long-term relationship. It’s getting them to understand that there is no discrimination when it comes to violence against women.
“We’d also emphasise that violence against women takes many forms. Emily was subjected to significant mental abuse and you can see that emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical.”
Milligan, 21, who admitted assault and threatening behaviour, was sentenced in July to 180 hours’ unpaid work.
Noting it was not appropriate for the court to speculate on the reasons for Drouet’s death, Sheriff Malcolm Garden went on to characterise Milligan’s “controlling and ultimately violent approach” to their relationship.
The couple started dating after meeting during their first term in 2015. At his trial at Aberdeen sheriff court, Milligan – a descendant of the philanthropist Andrew Carnegie who attended Fettes College in Edinburgh before enrolling at Aberdeen – was described by students as the “alpha male on the campus”.
He pleaded guilty to assaulting Emily eight days before her death when he seized her by the neck, choked and slapped her, and also admitted sending her offensive text messages over a six-week period, calling her a “slut” and “bitch” and behaving in a threatening manner.
Five other charges, including over an alleged attempt to choke his girlfriend minutes before she killed herself, were dropped because of a lack of evidence.
Milligan was subsequently expelled from his psychology course by Aberdeen University.
Supported by NUS Scotland, the poster campaign, that carries a striking portrait of Emily, will launch on Saturday, with student associations across the country encouraged to lobby their institutions to improve on-campus services so that students and staff know where to get help.
Drouet has also developed the #emilytest, which asks: “Would this have helped someone in Emily’s situation?” to ensure policies and procedures would help in real-life situations.
Key to her campaign is a call for mandatory training for staff. Drouet said she was haunted by “what ifs” after learning her daughter approached a student resident assistant in Aberdeen before she died. When asked if the difficulties she described included physical violence, Emily denied it and said she did not want to get her boyfriend in trouble.
No further action was taken, nor were the police or her parents contacted. Aberdeen University has since said it has to balance students’ rights as adults with its responsibility to offer support, and that the action taken was appropriate based on the information received.
“I would like to see mandatory training for university staff rolled out across Scotland, and then into England and Wales,” said Drouet. “Part of that training is bystander awareness [encouraging non-professionals to find safe ways to intervene and interrupt abusive behaviour].”
“It’s not just listening to what people are saying but also observing behavioural changes. Emily’s friends are heartbroken that they didn’t recognise the gravity of [Milligan’s] actions. If you suspect someone is being abused and speak up, you can save a life.”
Emily’s mother described a young woman who enjoyed baking, sailing and playing the clarinet. She adored Justin Beiber and was a Francophile, having spent many holidays in her father’s home country.
“She had so many dreams and would have fulfilled them all if she had just been given the chance.”
In the UK, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Other international suicide helplines can be found atwww.befrienders.org.
Read more: www.theguardian.com
