Charging guests entry, feigning illness and getting hardcore biblical are some of the foolproof ways you can find some festive peace, says freelance writer Andy Dawson
Ahhhhhh, Christmas. A time for families to come together and create treasured moments of … whatever it is that most people mistakenly think the Yuletide season is about. The truth is that you’ve got a week off work and all you want to do is watch Netflix in your pants while drinking Baileys at 9.40am.
This cast-iron plan will invariably be shattered by friends and family members turning up unannounced and trying to impose their jollity on you, so here are 10 ways to overcome them with consummate ease.
Keep the rations to a minimum
For weeks the shops have been full of weird and wonderful snack foods, all cunningly designed to foster a party atmosphere. Pork lollipops, breadcrumbed prawn bow-tie things with unlikely dipping sauces … you can even have pigs in blankets that are housed INSIDE miniature Yorkshire puddings, such is the air of decadence that blossoms around the festive season.
Sod that – you must eschew this frippery if you want to keep people out of your home. Slightly stale bread, a lump of manky cheddar and no booze whatsoever is the order of the day. But don’t spoil things for yourself – invest in a second fridge to be hidden somewhere other than the kitchen where you can keep your mini scotch eggs and selection of sliced Euromeats.
Feign illness
Any knock at the door could herald unwanted guests. Have some vinegar to hand and start rubbing it into your eyeballs. It’ll be agony and you’ll barely be able to see, but if you combine it with some theatrical sniffing you’ll be able to get rid of your visitors before they get across the threshold.
Get religious
Let us not forget that Christmas is ostensibly a religious festival, with gluttony only briefly mentioned in the small print. Go hardcore on the biblical stuff, with hymn sheets and even an altar in the middle of the living room. Less nativity, more deep south anti-Satan preaching, foaming at the mouth if possible.
Impromptu party games
Everyone loves party games, right? Not the ones you need to be playing if you want rid of your yuletide interlopers. Pass The Poo Bag, Pin The Rancid Lamb Chop On The Nappy and Strip Charades all need to be in your arsenal. Insist firmly on playing them, as resistance may occur.
Make like you’re going out
“Oh no – I was just heading out to visit [insert name of someone they hate or don’t know, ideally someone who lives very far away].” You’ll need to prepare for this one – keep your shoes on around the clock and have a coat within arm’s reach at all times. Every time the doorbell rings, on goes the coat as you activate your exit strategy. They won’t know what’s hit them.
Charge them for utilities
As soon as they’re through the door, hit them with a “menu” for services you’ll be providing during their unsolicited visit: food, drinks, light, heating, wifi, reasonable wear and tear of fixtures and fittings … Add an “administration charge” as well – none of us really knows what these are but we unfailingly cough up like the mugs we truly are.
Plan some decorating
You don’t need to actually do the decorating now, but if you rip up your carpets, pull off the wallpaper and leave an open pot of emulsion in the middle of the floor, chances are that your guests will take the hint and go off and be festive somewhere else.
Pretend it’s bedtime
It may be 3pm but if you excuse yourself from the living room and change into full-on Wee Willie Winkie nightgown and hat before returning with an alarm clock that you’re setting, they’ll hopefully get the hint. If they ask what’s going on, just say you were up all night bingeing on boxsets and your body clock is out of whack.
Try out your Christmas presents
Specifically, the ones that are most likely to cause discomfort to your intruders. Even more specifically, the new ear and nose hair trimmer or a hard skin remover for your wretched feet. Maybe you’ll need to actually buy these for yourself in advance but it’s a small price to pay to see said intruders dashing back out into the street while trying not to vomit into their sleeves.
And, if all else fails … sack it off for a budget hotel
The surest way of avoiding unwelcome visitors is to up sticks and flee to safety and solitude. Live out all your Alan Partridge Travel Tavern fantasies by booking a few nights in a cut-price hotel – the ones in service stations and on the side of A roads offer best value. Just don’t make contact with any fellow guests or you might find yourself in a worse mess than the one you’re trying to avoid.
• Andy Dawson is a freelance writer and author of Get in the Sea
Read more: www.theguardian.com
