When Google Calendar launched in 2006, breaking down the boundaries of monogamy was probably not the first objective of its engineers.
Polyamory, where people have more than one romantic partner with everyone’s knowledge and consent, has particularly benefited from platforms like Google Calendar and Google Keep.
There isn’t a great deal of technology purpose-built to support polyamory or new types of relationships. There is the Poly Life app, but it’s limited by the fact it’s only available on iOS. Apps like Tinder, while they do help people find partners, don’t support relationships that are already formed.
Google Calendar and Google Keep, on the other hand, have helped polyamorous people work out the terms of their relationships online. While Google declined to comment for this story, the company may have inadvertently lowered the barriers to entry.
Negotiating the boundaries
Polyamory stands apart from many monogamous relationships in that it’s highly negotiated who sees which partner when, what type of contact is permitted and how much is shared.
This is where Google Calendar excels, allowing partners to work out their relationships down to the minute details. You can share all events with a partner, for example, or simply allow them to see whether you’re busy or free. Alternatively, you could build an entirely separate calendar together.
Simon Hildebrandt, 37, a web developer in Sydney, and his partner have opted for full calendar sharing. “It’s very much a personal choice with each person. It’s something that we often discuss with people in the poly community how open you are with multiple partners,” he told Mashable Australia.
“It’s something that we often discuss with people in the poly community how open you are with multiple partners.”
Google apps also help to keep partners on the same page.
For one 29-year-old student in western Sydney who preferred not to be named, the note-keeping app Google Keep has been particularly helpful.
On the app, which is synced to both their smartphones, she and her boyfriend keep a list of everything they’ve agreed to and issues they’d like to discuss. “It’s mostly for agreements of what we’d like to do in our relationship,” she said.
Those include the requirement they each meet a prospective partner over a number of occasions and consent to certain types of contact.
For her, using Google Calendar is also a good way to ensure you have time for yourself, something she finds vital when negotiating with multiple partners.
“Everyone is very, very concerned about making time for everyone,” she explained. “Taking into account that time … for thinking about their mental health and how much mental health time is required.”
Multiple personas, multiple profiles
In many ways, Google Calendar seems purpose-built for polyamory. Unlike Facebook, it permits people to use multiple profiles, allowing an important delineation between work life and personal life.
“That idea of faceting your online presence with different Google profiles is something that’s really interesting,” Hildebrandt said. “Then you’ve got something like Facebook that aggressively pushes you towards one monolithic online presence.”
In the polyamorous community, many members create extra Facebook accounts so they can access public groups such as Sydney Polyamory without exposure. “Facebook is actively hostile towards that stuff, and if you get caught, they’ll cancel your account,” he added.
While Google seems more friendly to taking on different personas, in Hildebrandt’s view, Google is just being practical. “It’s a very utilitarian tool created by geeks for themselves, I think,” he said.
“Most people who get into the poly community are surprised by the prevalence of geeks and kink-minded people and bi people. My theory has always been that as people explore any one of those communities, they let go of feeling integrated in the status quo and that leads them to explore the other alternatives,” he explained.
Image: Corbis via Getty Images
A new kind of openness
For Meow-Ludo Disco Gamma Meow-Meow (yes, it’s his name), 32, a scientist in Sydney, the benefit of Google Calendar is its openness.
According to Meow, there’s two broad streams of polyamory: “Kitchen table poly” and “parallel poly.”
“Kitchen table poly is what we’re going for, where we all sit down and talk about everything and we all make friends,” he explained. “Parallel poly is more like, I would have individual relationships that don’t have any relation to each other.”
His arrangement is of the “kitchen table” type and he gives all his partners access to his calendar, allowing them all to check in easily and find time to meet.
“The trust is good. My partner can say ‘oh, why isn’t he home’ and she can look at my calendar,” he said. “It’s a way for us to communicate without having to tell each other what we’re doing all the time.”
The perfect poly app
For many, the polyamorous lifestyle has become more feasible thanks to apps like Google Keep.
“To some extent, I feel like the technology has enabled this lifestyle, which previously was only available to a really hardcore crowd who were willing to do a lot of hard work in terms of managing people’s feelings,” Hildebrandt said.
“I feel like the technology has enabled this lifestyle, which previously was only available to a really hardcore crowd.”
For one computer scientist in Sydney who did not want to be named, 25, it also helps alleviate the heavy lifting. “A lot of it is really stuff that’s useful in mono relationships too, it’s just that the organisational load is higher when you’re poly,” she told Mashable Australia over Facebook chat.
“Anything with collaboration and sharing is great for all relationships because you can share the information easily, but even more so when you have two or three people to share it with.”
Of course, Google apps are not the only technology platforms people in the polyamorous community are making use of.
Many cited the dating site OkCupid as the place where they’ve met partners, and Facebook groups have also played a role. Nevertheless, the multiplicity of profiles and control enabled by Google’s apps make them integral to working things out with multiple partners.
If Meow was to invent the perfect poly app, it would be a cross between Google Calendar, OkCupid, Uber and “also something that gets flowers when you’ve done something wrong.”
How about it, Google?
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