If you thought you were busy last week, you don’t even want to know what’s in store for you now. Surprise, b*tch. The Sun and Mercury are in Libra making people happy, which is good. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands. Jupiter and Venus are in Scorpio which are a catalyst for sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Oh, and Saturn is in Capricorn, which means, in the words of Britney, you better work, b*tch. Here are your weekly horoscopes for October 1-5.

Aries

Saturn at the top of your chart serves as a reminder for the harvest. In other words, you need to be reminding people of the sh*t they owe you this week. Ask your roommate if you can borrow her really expensive dress because she owes you after that time she threw your cashmere in the dryer. Make your boyfriend take you apple picking because he agreed to do while he was blacked out that one time. Whatever little seed you planted in the past need to be collected on now. You’re kind of like a loan shark of favors this week.

Taurus

Venus opposite your sign sweetens your work life and dealings with others, while the Sun and Mercury put you to work. This is the best time for you to be assigned a dreaded group project because you probably won’t want to murder everyone you deal with, and you’re just motivated enough to put together something great while dealing with bullsh*t from others.

Gemini

Mercury is pushing you to play mind games this week. (As if you needed an excuse to f*ck with people’s heads.) But if you don’t want to make others feel like they’re in an episode of Black Mirror, you better watch yourself. Be careful, or you’ll be setting traps for you boyfriend in the form of weird and confusingly worded questions. That poor guy doesn’t stand a chance.

Cancer

You might have a hard time focusing this week. You’ll definitely be busy, but Venus and Jupiter are pushing you off on fun diversions instead of keeping you on task. Even if you have a big project at work, your boss is more likely to look over your shoulder as you spend all day plugging in dates and locations to Google Flights to plan your next getaway.

Leo

Girl, this is the week you stop pushing people away. Mars finally moves out from being opposite your sign, so you can stop alienating yourself from others. Let a guy buy your drink at happy hour. Make plans to attend that bachelorette party with your college friends. If you feel like you’ve been excluded or singled out lately, it’s actually your own damn fault.

Virgo

The Sun and Mercury are in your Money House, stoking your desire to boost your money-making abilities. This is the week to finally start that Etsy shop or side hustle. As I always say, there really aren’t enough overpriced watercolor paintings and macrame creations on the market right now.

Libra

This is an excellent week for you, Libra, because both the sun and Mercury are in your sign. The sun, like coffee, recharges you and gives you more energy to do dumb sh*t. Mercury makes you talkative and a go-getter. Mars is in your corner too, inspiring you to actually leave the house and be social… for once.

Scorpio

Mars continues to f*ck things up in your life this week. It makes chaos in your home life. Whether you’re dealing with BS from roommates or family members, rest assured that next month looks a lot better for you. So, like, you only have to deal with hearing Kaitlin and her boyfriend have sex every night for six more weeks before they break up. Bad for Kaitlin, great for the bags under your eyes.

Sagittarius

Mars continues to invigorate your communications, making you effective at getting your message across. If you work in PR or just give a sh*t about your social media following, this is a great week for you. Likes will flood in. Followers will come easy. You’ll look like you actually know what the eff you’re doing. Must be nice.

Capricorn

This is the week for you to really have it together in front of bosses, professors, and any other type of authority figure. With the Sun at the top of your chart, the spotlight is on you. You might want to actually show up on time for work and maybe also bring your boss a coffee. You might look like a kiss-ass, but this is the week to pucker up.

Aquarius

Mars gives you a boost of energy this week, but you need to be cautious. Your fervor to kick ass and take names could come off as a little overbearing. People will say they admire your passion and drive, but then they’ll totally talk sh*t about you for being annoying and pushy. You’ve been warned. These hoes ain’t loyal.

Pisces

The Gemini Moon in your domestic realm means things will not go as planned at home this weekend. Double-check the alarm on your phone and set a backup if you have an early morning meeting you can’t miss. Also, stock up on dry shampoo and makeup remover wipes. If there was ever a week for you to lose hot water, this is it.
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