A US software developer has invented a plug-in that alerts people to their use of apologetic language, a trait often perceived to hold female employees back
Elizabeth Day, Observer writer and author Let me start by not apologising. Im definitively not sorry about what Im about to say. Im not sorry about having an opinion. Im Not Sorry about airing it. And Im Not Sorry that you will disagree with me, even though I would once have worried that somehow you might like me less for it. Damn, that felt good. Until relatively recently, I was an inveterate apologiser for unnecessary things. Id say sorry if someone bumped into me in the street. Id say sorry before I asked a question, as if I were imposing some awful demand on the conversation. And my work emails were littered with apologies and mitigating words. Im sorry to bother you, I would begin, but I just wondered if you might possibly consider this idea I have for a piece. Its probably rubbish and Im sure youre really busy, but… So it went on. A cringing paean to my own lack of self-worth. I thought I was being polite and charming and that my self-deprecation would win people over. But of course all it conveyed was a deep-rooted sense that I didnt believe in anything I was saying. So why would anyone else have faith in me?
Then I wrote a novel with a bombastic male protagonist called Howard Pink. He was a multimillionaire man with an innate sense of confidence. He never apologised. He took what he believed was his due and, mostly, the world rewarded him for it. Howard had a profound impact on me. I started stripping my emails of all those filler words, all those semi-apologies I didnt really mean. It was liberating and empowering. But I had to produce a 100,000-word novel to get there. So Im delighted to hear about the Just Not Sorry plug-in that will alert women (or men, I guess) when they use phrases and words like does this make sense or just or actually. If Id had such a thing at my disposal earlier, it might not have taken me quite so long to cotton on to the fact that, really, theres no point in saying youre sorry all the time.
Barbara Ellen, Observer writer Im not sorry that youre not sorry. Nor am I altogether sorry about the Just Not Sorry plug-in of course women shouldnt have to navigate their working lives in the manner of cringing perma-apologetic wrecks. Then again, how many women are actually doing that? Its arguable that the female sorry communication tic has been overplayed overexamined, exaggerated and distorted in a way that traditional masculine mannerisms would never be. It errs on the patronising This can help you with that pathetic girly thing you do that renders you a disgrace to modern feminism. Wheres the Just Not Arrogant and Overentitled plug-in for men? If thats an antimale generalisation, then isnt the sorry overkill equally one for women?
Im uneasy about how sorry has been diagnosed as an embarrassing, uniquely female weakness that must be cured at all costs akin to a Victorian attack of the vapours. We should also guard against validating the farcical notion that everyone should aspire to being more masculine in the workplace. Yeah, because macho working hours, fear of taking rightful parental leave, general presenteeist misery, and workplace stress-induced ill health, have worked out so well for men. The male professional model has more than its fair share of vicious traps, so why all this negative focus on sorry for women?
ED Oh, I completely agree that making generalised gender assumptions about how women are and how men are, as if theyre some giant single-cell globule, is pretty unhelpful. But I do think women (myself included) are constantly fighting against several centuries of social conditioning which have taught us that being nice, pliant and good are aspirational female attributes, while boys are encouraged to be bold, adventurous and risk-taking. In their book, The Confidence Code, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman make the argument that girls are expected to mature faster than boys, to be less competitive and aggressive. The knock-on effect is that, Compared with men, women dont consider themselves as ready for promotions; they predict theyll do worse on tests, and they generally underestimate their abilities. Linda Babcock, a professor of economics, found that men initiate salary negotiations four times as often as women do, and that, when women do negotiate, they ask for 30% less than their male counterparts. So I feel the apologetic email language masks a far deeper problem. Of course, Id much rather all workplaces functioned with gender neutrality, where you dont have to be more male to get ahead and where parental leave is split equally between men and women. But, alas, we live in an imperfect world and I think anything that seeks to level the playing field is a good thing. I love the idea of the Just Not Arrogant and Overentitled plug-in for men, by the way. Perhaps that could be the next thing this company develops. True gender parity.
BE But then how could we read mens empty emails? JOKE! Like me, Im sure youve come across presumptuous braggarts, shameless buck-passers and dreary blame-dodgers of both sexes; the types that think basic good manners are for other people. Personally, Id find that sort of person far more tiring to deal with (or indeed be) than a fundamentally able albeit slightly nervous soul. Is it really so bad to say Sorry for bothering you at the start of an email? Where some see feeble and self-defeating, I see human and perceptive and how about a round of applause for just plain nice?
Saying that, your point about apologetic email culture masking a far deeper problem is excellent. Too many women appear to be caught in a professional net of higher expectations (primarily self-generated), lower confidence (ditto), and diminishing recognition and rewards. My concern is that email drives such as these, while good for awareness, arent going to tackle the far more entrenched issues, and might even serve as another mask. As in, Oh look, theres a Just Not Sorry email plug-in gender disparity in the workplace is solved!
ED I wish we could solve inequality with a plug-in. Or an app. Or a new Instagram filter called something like Genderise. Things would be so much easier that way. I agree with you that this plug-in is not the most important stride thats ever been made in the ongoing battle for womens rights, but its still a nice bit of wood thrown on to the bonfire. I think feminism can sometimes do itself a disservice by solely concentrating on The Big Issues. The campaign to get a woman on a banknote wasnt necessarily going to have any direct impact on rape statistics or female genital mutilation, but it was important for making us more visible. Similarly, having the regularity with which you type sorryor just or dont mind little old me gently pointed out to you is a helpful brushstroke in a larger canvas.
BE Youre right not every female-simpatico advance has to be righteously up there with womens suffrage. Baby steps (quirky, thought-provoking initiatives that fire up the public imagination) can be as valid a part of any journey as the large strides. Before you go (perchance to slap a hasty trademark on Genderise because if you dont, someone else will), I would merely add that theres nothing wrong with the Just Not Sorry plug-in, just so long as it doesnt turn into yet another bizarre lady mea culpa. Were just so sorry for being sorry! Some women carry the people-pleasing gene to the point of self-harm, but lets not forget that women can also be superb, hyper-intuitive people-readers and managers fielding skills and qualities that burn bright in the workplace. So, while the female approach isnt always softer, when it is, lets own it. Im polite, and instead of barking officiously in my emails, I prefer to let the quality of my work do the talking. No apology necessary.
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