It’s a well-known fact that it’s been a while since Lindsay Lohan has truly had her sh*t together. Personally, I’m loving her new reality show, but it’s clear that Lindsay would be an absolute nightmare of a boss. I’m glad she’s getting a check from MTV, but I still have some concerns about our girl LiLo. First and foremost: what the f*ck is going on with Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram?
Lindsay has always had an interesting social media presence, probably stemming from the fact that she got famous before Instagram, and then was already a mess when it got popular. Never forget last year, when she literally tried to kidnap some Russian children on Instagram live. But Lindsay recently deleted almost all the posts from her Instagram feed, so now it only goes back to October 2018. We definitely lost some
evidence gems, but her new Instagram habits are still puzzling. After poring over her posts, I have come to an important conclusion. I truly don’t think Lindsay Lohan understands how Instagram works or how to use it, so please enjoy this TED talk.
As our first piece of evidence, let’s look at this photo from January 19th:
Excuse me? First of all, this photo is super blurry, and second of all, I have no earthly clue what is going on in it. I believe it’s a household cat, wearing a fake lion mane, perched on a tree stump or pole at the beach? Like…is it Lindsay’s cat? Is this in Mykonos? I’m going to go ahead and assume the answer to both these questions is no, because this looks like a poster you would get at the Scholastic book fair in elementary school. And then I don’t even know where to start with the insane caption. It just serves to double down on the book fair vibes. Seriously, truly, what in the world is happening here? That caption?? The fact that she still thinks we are saying “yasss”? Will I ever know peace again??
Lindsay is also great at Instagram stories (even ones not involving cats). Here’s one of her most recent posts.
First of all, she tagged a fake Lindsay Lohan account that hasn’t posted since 2013. I have to think this was a mistake; does she not know her own Instagram handle? It’s literally just her name! Then again, that would be so Lindsay. There are then a series of nine emojis that don’t tell any story I can figure out, other than that Lindsay doesn’t have an iPhone. That is, without a doubt, the most disturbing piece of evidence I have uncovered in my search. How does Lindsay Lohan not have an iPhone? She must be able to afford it. Right? I hope to God she’s not one of those people who won’t shut up about how the Android has a superior camera.
Moving down from the emojis and the phone, there’s a block of text where she tags her TV show and her mom, and then makes a Mean Girls reference out of nowhere (with a typo). Is she angry at her mom and MTV? Is this supposed to be a joke? Who knows?! Then, to top it all off, Lindsay used the music feature to play “Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille, because that fits the whole vibe I guess. Even just one of these things would be strange, but the combination has presented a DaVinci Code-like enigma that I am dedicating my life to solve.
We’ve already covered that Lindsay doesn’t understand what to post on her stories and feed, but she also doesn’t understand the actual way in which most people use the app. Case in point: her most recent photo, which shows her doing her best Mother Teresa cosplay, or something.
The photo is whatever, but Lindsay still messes it up by commenting on her own post! Does this mean she’s praying for herself? Does she comment this on everyone’s photos? What does “Life is Life” even mean?
All of Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram etiquette (if you can call it that) culminates, I think, in this series of comments she left on a picture posted by the @lohanmykonosofficial Instagram, which is the account for her own beach club and restaurant. You’d think she would want to keep it as professional as possible on there, but you would be forgetting that Lindsay Lohan and professional go hand in hand about as much as caramel and sardines. When someone running the Instagram (Panos, I infer from the tirade) posted a photo of a random woman, presumably at Lindsay’s beach club, Lindsay posted the following comments:
View this post on Instagram
A post shared by HOLLYWOOD UNLOCKED (@hollywoodunlocked) on Jan 25, 2019 at 4:23pm PST
Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. I know you don’t know how social media works, but we have this thing called screen shotting. That means that even when you delete the incriminating captions, the evidence lives forever! Number one, I’m not a beach club owner (whatever that is), but I would think you would want to post pictures of your club on social media, even during the off-season, especially when that off-season occurs smack dab in the middle of the airing of a reality show that is about said beach club. Also, does Lindsay mean that she wants Panos to erase the photo of this random person? Or “erase this random person” as in kick them out? I’m envisioning Lindsay Lohan going up to everybody she doesn’t like, brandishing an eraser in their face, and yelling, “be gone, random person! I hereby erase you!” A girl can dream.
I’m truly interested to see where Lindsay’s Instagram persona goes from here, because I can’t imagine things getting much weirder. I just want the best for her, and if that includes commenting on her own photos, I guess that’s her journey. But please Lindsay, for the love of God, cut it out with the random emojis.
Images: @lindsaylohan (3), hollywoodunlocked / Instagram
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