It was the MarketWatch article heard ’round the world.
In a January post, the finance website quoted a disturbing assertion from investment firm Fidelity: that by the time you’re 35, you should have saved twice your salary. Like, your salary, but doubled. Like, take your salary, and then make it two of those. Fidelity thinks you should have that saved.
It took a while for the internet to get wind of this. (Per Know Your Meme, people started to take note when MarketWatch repromoted the article.) But when it did, Twitter quickly issued its longtime distress call: “lmao.”
Now, people are pushing through their tears and going meme-crazy, sharing all the *other* things you’re supposed to have done before you turn 35. A lot of them are Too Real, but others are completely ludicrous — which works, because who the hell can save twice their salary (again, that’s your salary and then then your salary a second time) before their fourth decade on this cursed Earth?
By age 35 you should have lost at least twice your most valuable information for lack of backups.
— Miguel de Icaza (@migueldeicaza) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should have at least one fork in your cutlery drawer that you just don’t like, and actively frown at if you accidentally grab it.
— Nutella Enchanted (@chrisopotamia) May 20, 2018
Listen. Meghan Markle wasn’t a duchess til age 36 so stop telling me what I should have by age 35.
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) May 21, 2018
By age 35 you should have a huge box of cables but you can’t throw them out because you’re pretty sure you still need a couple of them but you’re not sure which ones
— Lori G 🌸 (@LoriG) May 19, 2018
By age 35, you should have at least six lipsticks that you know don’t work on you but you can’t get rid of them because that would mean all that wandering around Sephora was worth nothing
— rachel syme (@rachsyme) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should run into friends and say “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!” twice a week. You will never hang out. You’ll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.
— Luke Trayser (@trukelayser) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should be able to re-watch Bridget Jones and think ‘You’re only 30 and you manage to afford to live alone?’
— Emma Reynolds (@EmmaIllustrate) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should have reached that stage of time confusion where you’re convinced the 90s was only 10 years ago.
— Jen Williams (@sennydreadful) May 21, 2018
by age 35 you should have hpv
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) May 21, 2018
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
— Jon “Jon Baker” Baker (@JonBaker) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should have a junk drawer filled with USB flash drives you’re reluctant to throw out because you don’t know what’s on them but are reluctant to plug in because… you don’t know what’s on them
— aloria 🦔 (@aloria) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should have a shelf full of books you can’t read because they’re not ebooks, but can’t throw away either because you intend to read them.
— Kiran Jonnalagadda (@jackerhack) May 20, 2018
By age 35, millennials should have 40,000 avocado toasts set aside for retirement.
— Paul Fairie (@paulisci) May 15, 2018
by age 35 you should have figured out that your period skips a day and then comes back but every single time you think it’s over and get annoyingly surprised the next day
— vaccine haver (@kerrence) May 17, 2018
Can you retire on a healthy stockpile of nihilist memes, though? Asking for a friend.